The purpose of a task could be seen as its completion, it can be an objective, something outside ourselves to a larger or lesser degree. Then there is the purpose we have. It perhaps could be seen as our "will to live" or our answer to the question "why do you do, what you do?"

Perhaps it is more connected with the passion that drives us - unconsciously or consciously. I see in many people around me, that this purpose of theirs is hidden or safeguarded, sometimes even ignored or sedated. It seems to clash with what they must do to get by, whether that is work or their personal relationships and friendships. There seems to be a lack of integration of what they feel themselves fundamentally driven by and what they need to be in the world.

But more and more I also see people who begin to stand up for their purpose.

I must confess, I have always had a very strong sense of my purpose, although mostly I was rather unconscious of it. Since I was 15 I've had a 5 year "projection" of my life; not exactly a plan to be followed, but an idea of where my purpose might lead me. Recently however I have been knocked from this knowing, by anxiety created from “having it all together.”

It's so easy to say, "I can't do what I love because I need to earn a living," or "because my partner thinks it's silly.” It's so easy to opt out of taking the risks involved with your ideals and blame the choice on something seemingly out of your control. I've had so many moments of this, of compromising my ideals, morals and integrity with the mediocre, or simply the necessary! When it hurts the most for me though, is when someone asks me to share my purpose, my striving with them and I say no because of these same reasons...from this I feel deep regret and the closest to "sin" in my life.

But I've also hit a personal crisis when trying to follow my purpose in everything I do. I hit the resistance, the cocoon I have to break through in order to create what I feel is right. I get tested, and the more areas of life I live in an integral way, the more areas of life challenge me to my core. Scary huh?

Every morning I recite a particular verse, which I am still coming to terms with:

"The wishes of the soul are springing,
The deeds of the will are thriving,
The fruits of life are maturing.

I feel my fate,
My fate finds me.
I feel my star,
My star finds me.
I feel my goals in life,
My goals in life are finding me.

My soul and the great World are one.

Life grows more radiant about me,
Life grows more arduous for me,
Grows more abundant within me."
  -R. Steiner

In this verse, the line "Life grows more arduous for me" causes me to feel a sense of unease. I ask: Should it not be easy for me to follow my truth? Should life not become filled with more ease as I experience more integrity with my purpose? Should I not then, be able to know, without doubt, my direction, what the world needs, how to take care of myself on every level? What is the point if it just all gets harder from here? Why should I bother when I can live a comfortable existence doing the norm?

And these questions go on and on and on...

I find, the more I become conscious, not just of my striving, but of others' striving and of their pain...so I can no longer ignore my own suffering, my own inconsistencies. There is no way back to ignorance. I can no longer pretend that it is something else stopping me from following my purpose; I only stop myself. We go around pretending we are alright, that we have it together, that we are unwounded but that the world stops us from experiencing the bliss of our supposed perfection. I am the kind of person who has particular difficulty asking for help. I am under the assumption that I can handle it, that I can do whatever people ask of me because that is the kind of person I am; I get stuff done. I mistake this will to be flawless and endlessly helpful for my striving. It even becomes a kind of distraction from my true tasks. I want to be (and will be at any cost) a perfect person. It takes a lot of humility for me then, to say, "I'm sorry, I simply can not,” or "Could you please help me with this?" Then I know that someone else has a burden I was unable to take from them. I now see how selfish and destructive this is.

I am finding my fate has to do with community, with the sharing of a load. I am finding my star is one that shines brightest when with others and that my goals in life are meaningless in isolation. I keep myself safe and away from when I do everything myself—even today I struggle with this, but I have become conscious of this, conscious of how others appreciate my vulnerability, but I also then share in the hardships they face. I experience their experience more and no longer have sympathy or antipathy, but empathy for them. But this is painful, for now I do not only feel my wound; I feel theirs.

With joy, I can sometimes now look and see honest vulnerable faces, I too am vulnerable to them - the world is more radiant about me as this vulnerability seems to clearly display other peoples' purposes and mine. Life is more arduous for me as I share with them, their experience and striving. Life grows more abundant within me as I grow watching others grow.  I feel a garden planted in myself, blooming to the sun of vulnerability, to the song of community. The wishes of my soul are springing, the deeds of my will are thriving, the fruits of my life maturing...

But this is not bliss. It's bloody hard work that takes risk, honesty, flexibility and even a good argument. It takes not knowing. It takes uncomfortable silence and unbearable uncertainty. It takes holding your wound open, even knowing it may be poked or prodded. And I fail, so many times I simply fail and fall back into, "I can't follow my purpose because...." Then I experience ill health, I become anxious; but I find, when I remember the following, I am able to relax:

"When the heart
Is cut or cracked or broken
Do not clutch it
Let the wound lie open.

Let the wind
From the good old sea blow in
To bathe the wound with salt
And let it sting.

Let a stray dog lick it
Let a bird lean in the hole and sing
A simple song like a tiny bell
And let it ring."
  -Michael Leunig

We are all wounded and we all have a purpose. Who dares to live and reveal theirs?